it’s raining again
I could spend all day in hypotheticals
dizzy but I haven’t been spinning
I step out on the roof and shudder and the rain keeps falling
in a breakcore kinda mood
a dry, bitter cold that cuts through all the layers of clothes you’re wearing, oh how I’ve missed you
never heard so many fireworks in all my life
and as the dust settles nothing’s changed I’m still in America listening to the same music dreaming of a future which may never come
I always capitalize ‘I’ because I have to remind myself I’m important, you know?
that feeling when you find a film on letterboxd you know you forgot to log and you cant remember the date so you just stare dully at the screen and contemplate rewatching it to fix this problem that has just arisen in your life
my entire day is at least 50% dependent on what songs spotify plays after I put my liked songs on shuffle in the morning
I miss the heater under my desk
too cold to get up or wake up or do anything at all
music is so amazing
every time I go on pinterest I get a little sad
where does this ache come from and why are my visions of the future so hazy? what am I to expect?
who thought extras should always turn on when you open photoshop who who who
putting star effect filters on my camera to make it look better (less clear and more hazy)
my premiere -> davinci editing workflow really does not like slow motion gah
someone send me research on “lol” as more than a pragmatic particle I think it’s a modal particle or something new all together and all the online research I can find is not new enough and doesn’t incorporate the usage I’ve observed
every time I think about heathers I think how it could have been the perfect story if the ending was just a little better
I love when I see someone walking on the street with a suitcase, clearly a tourist, looking around at a world they’ve never seen before. it’s the perfect contrast between character and environment, the story is just waiting to unfold
life is better when you’re delusional
can’t anything go in a straight line? or at least go my way for once?
movies save me and movies kill me, books are my dreams and books remind me how small the world is, music frees me and music is only ever as perfect as I feel
I always get notifications that someone logged something in my guestbook and I get excited for the amount of time it takes the email to load and I see it’s another russian spam bot
so often it takes losing something to for us to realize how important it was to us—but there’s really no way around it, is there?
it feels like spring has come even though it’s still winter and the wooden birds stay frozen
In Naked, Johnny says “Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.” I’ve always found it to be the opposite. I could do anything at night, and once the sun rises I figure it can wait till another day
I wish I could ask every person I see out and about at 4am “why are you where? where are you going?” and maybe they wish the same towards me
I miss writing messages on tables in school and seeing if the person who sat there later in the day would reply to me, some kind of small commiseration
another day I thought I would watch a movie . . . another day I didn’t
I hope whoever designed these bothersome sink drain designs that seems to be in every sink in China is suffering right now
thanks everyone! you’re presents in my life 😀
maturity is getting one step closer to discovering the true christmas spirit
where has all my creativity gone? how come when I pick up a camera lately I find nothing to photograph, and when I pick up a pen I find nothing to write down? why? is the world as capricious as all that?
since I can’t watch movies music is the only thing keeping me sane
I love hong kong
most expensive weekend of my life so far—a missed train was somehow one of the cheaper costs
“how come?” has got to be in the top five phrases of all time it’s so much more eloquent than just asking “why?”
I have lost my earbuds just before a weekend trip where I would ideally be non-stop listening to music, why is the world so cruel?
tragedy is searching your whole life for something that doesn’t exist
two hours of sunlight makes time fly
even in the most casual art, if done sincerely, there is something beautiful to find
you know it’s bad when liked songs on shuffle is somehow serving you up exactly what you needed to hear
imagine a language where instead of adverb you just say the word like the adverb would describe, so “run quickly” become “run” but you say the word “run” fast. maybe could be a fun party game?
when I was played DDLC for basically a week straight is still one of the fondest memories I have
you’re much more likely to run into people going the opposite direction as you. you’ll never meet the person that’s walking the same direction as you unless they turn around or wait for a while.
devious energy parasite nap
62 days since I’ve seen a movie…
how much of our sense of humor is nature vs. nurture? is it possible to give a child a strange sense of humor just by always laughing at certain things? the possibilities are endless…
thinking about the quotes I’ve come up with in the past, then thinking about how good they are I should go to sleep
strong empathy for sitcom characters, this is a hard life
virtue signaling up the wazoo
that’s so unfortunate man, why is life this way—still got it going better than William Stoner, though
the chilling thought I’ve spent 1/60th of the last month of my life doing flashcards
I don’t know who my friends are, not in the “I don’t trust them” way but the “Everyone tells me I have a lot of friends but I don’t know where they get that impression” way
over 2000 words of nonsense now on this page!
I sense big things in my future…but maybe I should just stick to board games—speaking of, today I remembered how much I like board games
I need to stop with these 3 hour midday sleeps and just go to sleep earlier
if someone has a crush on you you have to respect that at least a little bit you know?
today I was in a scooter accident and tied for third in a race and as a result I’m sore all over, but at least I did a third of my anki cards…
I live with the constant weight of unwritten movie reviews dating back to April and all my anki flashcards that keep accumulating every day
sunday nights are boring and I hate doing laundry
my roommate sounds like he’s possessed whispering to himself at 3:45 am and I’d like to see the elephant and learn a thing or two from him how he doesn’t care about the forks and does absolutely nothing that’s what I’d like to do
wechat moments are more of a fever dream than having a fever and dreaming
every day you might meet a dozen new people crack them open to find the same yolk inside and now you’ve got hands covered in goop and nothing to show for it wake up go to sleep make an omelet inbetween forget to stop at a red light because you’re the only one on the road anyways when’s the last time you ate a meal you remembered best I got is yesterday’s breakfast and half my birthday cakes life’s so short in retrospect but doesn’t exist in the moment the more you remember the more you exist the more time you spend remembering the less you live find your balance like a gymnast maybe I’ll balance too hovering between nothing and everything in the twilight of a long night come, come we can fly to the stars together
monday and tuesday and wednesday blur into today and yesterday but no tomorrow because tomorrows already today once again
pretty concerned about my english abilities
either I’m sharing my poems or writing love poems but what I really want to do is share my love poems
tried to drink water while laying in my bed and spilled it all over my face now I am wet and my bed is wet and neither of us are smiling
sleep habits are eight and seven hours alternating with zero to four hours of napping every day
every day I make the mistake of looking up and catching a glimpse of something beautiful
reveling in the grand old smile of the night before secretly waiting for the frown tomorrow brings
I can’t ever not dress up for halloween, I mean are you crazy?
everybody wants (a picture with) me
the internet tells me everything I do is dangerous and harmful
adventures starting with bus rides and chatter and ending the first act with racist chinese men asking me if I’ll cook them chinese food if they visit america and beautiful chinese women collecting photos of me like hunting trophies, but follow that with no sunrise and pancake batter for breakfast and it’s twice as dull, only laughter before and after a brief respite go a disastrous lunch, catching brief sleep before launching off again this time on my own, making a friend, half conversations with no real comprehension, being told foreigner babies are ugly aa a soft way to reject me, pulled into an inescapable conversation escaped from by more random nonsense, and dragging myself to mcdonalds out of sheer exhaustion before a brief light in a conversation fully in chinese—perhaps there’s a way forward at the end of it all, not just spinning round in circles
so it begins just one more time one more time
thank goodness for the rooftop
little bit of melancholy, little bit of brooding- just in time for the air to get colder 😀
most people are just inherently boring
more strange ailments like a toe that turns ninety degrees and is normal again ten minutes later
my right eyelid has developed this strange twitch
not sure why
almost feels fitting
probably having too much fun because I almost want it to stop so then I can hope to have fun again throw yourself against a wall to see if it’s real china is pretty fantastic
thank goodness for music
aaaaaaaaaand I’m off!
one last day
one last sunset
one last goodbye
one last glass of water
one last babybel from the fridge because I’m too lazy to eat anything else
one last time driving home late at night listening to Freeze by Kygo
one last pet of our cats and our dog
one last look at my movie collection
one more last goodbye
one last look around at nighttime
because my house at night is a different place than the day
i’ll be sad to leave it behind
even knowing i’m coming back
i know it won’t be the same
and neither will I
though it’s a little thing, I’m sad to leave behind my headphones—sennheiser 6xxs—as they’re such wonderful headphones I’ve listened to so much wonderful music on. but alas, open back headphones have no place in my future. tinny earbuds from now on . . .
wish I could hold on to a moment in time like a grain of sand
press it betweeen my fingertips until I forget it’s there
surprised I made it through today. don’t know if I’ll make it through tomorrow. but I must go on! to the sunsets I haven’t seen and the people I haven’t met!
I need to figure out how to upload the entire soundtrack of The Happiness of the Katakuris to spotify for my own sanity, these songs are so wonderful but they are stuck in the prison of youtube >:(
I keep thinking I have a small piece of tape or bit of glue stuck to my fingertip and will rub at it repeatedly only to remember it’s the last of a small cut given to me by the ice cream cart. then I ignore it—that is until I forget, then the cycle continues
how can I leave all these friends of mine behind? I suppose it’s cliché to “only realize what you have when you’re about to lose it/when it’s gone” but in a way I’m glad to leave it all behind and recognize all the wonderful people in my life 😀
I’d like to get good at playing Questions, but it’s also a stupid game that isn’t even fun to play . . . so perhaps it’s all the more perfect? some Kicking and Screaming type of obnoxious honestly
thought I was going to be done with work after tomorrow but no . . .
not sure if I’m ever going to leave this town honestly
maybe I’ll wake up and find myself rooted in the ground like a tree
leaves blowing in the wind and my skin turned to bark
would that really be so bad?
Days fly past like raindrops on the highway
Everything is imminent but still so far away
I wonder when I’ll be looking back and reminiscing on today
I need a dream social media where all you’re allowed to talk about is what dreams you had last night and you can keep up with how AbashedLighting has dreampt about getting chased by Elmo three nights in a row
pouring a glass of milk at 3:04am is a visceral experience
at 6:15 the night is just barely pretending to be dark flying down roads away from the greatest I’ve felt in a while headed towards what I suspected to be dreadful I couldn’t have know fifteen hours later I’d be driving home again with a whole new feeling sometimes I wish I had met someone sooner but know we wouldn’t have been the same people meeting hazy memory and blizzards out the window is my hand sore from ice cream or the table? thursday can’t come soon enough
what did the pirate say when he won in tag-team chess? Arr matey!
I should start making two groupchats for events I plan, one with everyone where I tell them a time ~30 minutes before when I actually want people to arrive. Then I make a second, smaller groupchat, with only the people I know will be on time and tell them to come 30 minutes later, at the real time. Or decide between being friends with only the on-timers or the late-ers.
I forget how badly I miss fall until a day like today, when the breeze blows through the air and the leaves on the ground rise up in an ochre vortex, engulfing me in memory of past futures and yesterday’s tomorrows, and just faintly at the edge of it all, a sweet yearning for the cold in the decrescendo of the wind
I must have some sort of grudge with the clouds because every time I step outside it begins to rain and if it isn’t raining water it’s raining fruit from a tree thrown down by a squirrel or leaves sailing through the wind and landing in front of me
dazed mornings lead to all-too-clear evenings where the sky blooms red because the air is hazy again
does the world reflect my mind? or does my mind reflect the world? I don’t know so I lie in my bed or stand on the street waiting to wake up so I can go back to sleep
I hope summer will be over soon
still I hate to see it go
lonely leads to lonelier leads to quiet tears and exhales in the night
I can practically taste the smoke
making people smile with a spoonful of ice cream may chill the hands but warms the heart
an ache in my chest so bad just at the sight of falling snow all while raindrops beat against my windshield and I wonder how I ended up here
golden day even through the misty fog, the rare humid Colorado day
the day-long drizzle just brings the world into color, giving dead leaves another life and residual mud in an underpass makes me aware of my footsteps
I could sit in that silence forever with the joy of all that awaits me on either side
passing by indecisive grass, half brown and half green
everyone I pass looks miserable so I wonder if I stole their happiness
I certainly have enough to go around right now
it doesn’t matter if I go to sleep or stay awake because either option is rich today
full with all the potential of a rainy week and full time employment amidst the roiling joy of being eighteen
jump rope and subwoofers with a movie in-between
long distance happiness beamed across earth right to my head
falling from the sky in little drops and bringing me with it
straight through the crust and mantle to the core
glowing white-hot on and on
even though Lily isn’t real someone must have touched the ether to make that music, maybe Shunji Iwai or Salyu or Takeshi Kobayashi
certain music is like that, certain films are like that, certain people are like that
they reach into some ethereal space and grab little bits of stardust
then go sprinkle them across the world
I’m always lamenting the loss of someone who never existed
worked on this website for what feels like a lifetime and all I did was make the background different and removed a lot of material
I’m almost through my second listen of Radiohead’s discography which means the individual song reviews loom in my future . . . not sure why I keep picking up new projects when I have so many I haven’t finished, from my NYC film to updating my Letterboxd reviews to cleaning my room . . . on the topic of Letterboxd reviews I’m beginning to seriously lose hope . . . I think there might be too many . . .
today I shot a film and lay around for hours
not much else to do in summertime
still dreaming about leaving